The thoughts of a disturbed imaginary psycho

Still feeling shit...

2007-02-15T17:21:06Z

I know all the moaning doesn't sound good, but hell men get away with it so why shouldn't I? I am feeling slightly better today, yesterday was hell, I couldn't even get the strength to come on my laptop, which I use in bed anyway. I just spent all day with my head proped up, looking at one boring TV programme after another. I couldn't eat anything either and that was getting my dad all concerned. (dunno why, I'm a fat fucking cow.) I have missed Charlotte but then I knew I would. As I said, I just hope I don't miss my concert next week. The only problem is my mom has suddenly gone down with the lurgy that I've got. Right now I'm thinking "Yey! I put you in an unwanted situation just like you to me so often." By the weekend it will be "Just get better so you don't spoil my concert."

UUhhh god feeling shit...

2007-02-13T16:25:54Z

For those of you that haven't heard my moaning already I have a bad cough and cold and just wanna die (or want someone to come and kill me, one of the two.) This may be slighty optimistic judging by how I feel right now but I'm hoping to be feeling better by Thursday because it is the last time i will be seeing Charlotte and as much as I don't want to stop, I don't want to miss the last session with her. I don't yet know what I want to talk her about, but maybe thats a good thing, I can't really open up something big on the last session. If I'm not ok for Thursday I can always put it off anyway. What I can't put off is my concert next Tuesday so I will have to be ok for then if nothing else.

Ok then......

2007-02-09T23:18:04Z

Hi well I am feeling pretty ok cos I got three pieces of last weeks "homework" done already....God I feel like I'm back at school. Also I was called a swat today.... that amused me because, fair enough I have been doing my work today but usually I spend more time in the shops than at uni. I had my first film studies lecture today and its so cool cos it does exactly what it says on the tin aqnd we watch movies all session. and guess what? they're all MUSICALS yey! I enjoyed singin in the rain today.... the only downside really about today was it took me 1 hour 10 minutes and £13.30 to get home in my taxi.

Emotions equaling Big Dipper......

2007-02-06T23:01:53Z

Hi well today I was scheduled to see Charlotte again and didn't really feel it was necesary today as I had not been in a bad mood all week, my moods were not always good but I didn't feel particularly down. We were talking about various things including Jakki's mysterious abesence, me wanting to be a writer, me eating to much fast food, me skipping my period blah blah blah. As we were coming to the end of the session, we got onto the topic of my nan. I started out by explaning how much, I felt my personality mirrored hers. Charlotte told me to go on for a minute but should be prepared to stop soon. I don't quite know where it came from but I suddenly started yelling and getting very angry with her (something I swore would never happen and its never happened before) for leaving me. I was not referring to her death, for I knew that was not her fault, but before then when she moved to Cosely. Charlotte said that I sounded very angry with her and that she hoped that I wouldn't be angry with her, Charlotte because I had to go. The fact that she said I seemed very cross with my nan has kind of freaked me out, she is not wrong what I was demonstarting was total anger that had been hidden for five years by fond memories. To be honest, I was quite pleased to get out of her room and go and break down in the women's bathroom.

What happened next was I completely changed one of classes on a whim because I decided that tonight I was bored, tired and didn't want to be there. Next I came home and tonight I read my bebo profile and found that Sunni had answered my questionnaire, one question was, "if you could give me anything what would it be?" she answered, "the chance for you get your friends back" Needless to say that just crushed me again sooo... but the pms is acting up...

Bored...

2007-02-04T23:02:50Z

Hi Just had yet another boring weekend, done nothin etc... mind you if we had done something special it would probably have stressed me out no end and I would have nothing to do but complain about it. Something has got me concerned now though and that is my period is eight days late. I just don't want another six month gap again because that will mean nine days of excrusiating agony when it does get here. Yes I have had these problems before and the reason for them is I have Polycystic Ovaries Syndrome. My ovaries don't regularly produce eggs so my periods are not regular is the long and short of it, that not all of its side effects though, others include, being over weight, excessive body hair and perminant pms... What I don't get is I have been taking some herbal tablets for this and they have been working wonders since April (i.e. regular periods) but now I'm suddenly skipping thiem again. I have been eating a lot of fast food these past few weeks and I don't usually. Maybe thats it. I also bored because I still can't write, I'm having perminant writers block. Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself...

Careers advice...

2007-02-03T12:47:57Z

When we were at school all the teachers and other advisors spent more than half our time there asking us what career/job/we would basically be getting up to when we left school. I asked then and I’m still asking it now, WHAT WAS THE BLOODY POINT??? When we were 15, 16, 17 and 18 as we were still there we had had no experience of the outside world above reading a paper or checking the news on the internet. So how were we supposed to know? What most people used to do was think along the line of highly paid job, whatever the advisor/teacher (who didn’t really give a shit about us) would approve of and what seemed to be within the field of our limited expertise.

An example of this sheep-like behaviour would have been my class-mate, Tom. He had many aspirations and they used to change every six months, I used to listen to him one month wanting to be a pilot and the next wanting to be a doctor. I used to think, “How could you keep changing your mind? Don’t these dreams mean anything to you? They are not even remotely similar so I just cannot see the logic for this change.” I’m not putting him down at all because he was just doing the thing that we had been told to do, which was “explore our options.”

Due to my disability, I didn’t feel I had many options as I had never been encouraged in any fields that held my interest. When I was six I had an aspiration to be a teacher, but I now realise that it was because I had such a rough time due to them and yet I still respected and feared them. I wanted to be respected and feared like that. A lot of the time when I was being badgered at secondary school by this wholly unimportant detail; I would answer that I didn’t know, because believe it or not, I didn’t. Towards the end of my time at school they hadn’t given up or decided to mind their own business and were still asking me.

The only thing on my mind was passing my A Levels and I didn’t want this concern as well, so to get them off my back, I said I wanted to be a councillor. Now, having been to see a councillor, I know that profession is not for me and I didn’t really want it anyway. Recently, what I would like to do have come to me, but it never would have at school. I want to be some kind of writer, I don’t quite know, which field to aim for yet though. That took five years of figuring out.

Other accounts

2007-02-02T23:06:59Z

Just to let people on here know, I do have other accounts here online as well as this livejournal account and these are MySpace and Bebo. If anyone cares to join me on any of these then please do, heres the links:

www.myspace.com/wipethetearsfrommyeyes

http://WickedElphaba.bebo.com

I have had my myspace the longest and have redone it several times. I have recently set up the bebo and don't have much on there yet but I am working on it!

when I feel this way...

2007-01-31T22:42:11Z

I don't know what is wrong now, I've just got home from my lecture tonight and I just feel like I'm wishing the ground would open up andn swallow me... think... what should I do to make myself feel good? music? Think, I'm not going to be well known if all I'm doing is getting depressed all the time... I'm so misunderstood by other people that I often misunderstand myself, but that doesn't mean I am a bad person. I have thought I have been for so long but my incredibly low opinion of myself may have been a little mis-judged. I'm not saying I could never do any wrong but I don't get a kick out of it. why do so many others seem to think I would? AND WHERE IS MY FUCKING CREATIVITY????????????

No Good Deed

2007-01-30T22:57:19Z

This song is from Wicked and I find in some cases the words are just so true, I'm not suprised that these people who are never trusted feel like this.

No Good Deed

(spoken) Fiyero!
(sung) Eleka nahmen nahmen
Ah tum ah tum eleka nahmen
Eleka nahmen nahmen
Ah tum ah tum eleka nahmen

Let his flesh not be torn
Let his blood leave no stain
Though they beat him
Let him feel no pain
Let his bones never break
And however they try
To destroy him
Let him never die:
Let him never die:

Eleka nahmen nahmen
Ah tum ah tum eleka nahmen
Eleka nahmen nahmen
Ah tum ah tum eleka: eleka:

What good is this chanting?
I don't even know what I'm reading!
I don't even know which trick I ought to try
Fiyero, where are you?
Already dead, or bleeding?
One more disaster I can add to my
Generous supply?

Unlimited
The damage is unlimited
To everyone I've tried to help
Or tried to love
And, oh, Fiyero, you're the latest
Victim of my greatest achievement
In a long career of distress
Every time I could, I tried making good
And what I made was a mess!

No good deed goes unpunished
No act of charity goes unresented
No good deed goes unpunished
That's my new creed
My road of good intentions
Led where such roads always lead
No good deed
Goes unpunished!

Nessa:
Doctor Dillamond:
Fiyero:
Fiyero!!

One question haunts and hurts
Too much, too much to mention:
Was I really seeking good
Or just seeking attention?
Is that all good deeds are
When looked at with an ice-cold eye?
If that's all good deeds are
Maybe that's the reason why

No good deed goes unpunished
All helpful urges should be circumvented
No good deed goes unpunished
Sure, I meant well -
Well, look at what well-meant did:
All right, enough - so be it
So be it, then:
Let all Oz be agreed
I'm wicked through and through
Since I can not succeed
Fiyero, saving you
I promise no good deed
Will I attempt to do again
Ever again
No good deed
Will I do again!

First Lecture...

2007-01-29T20:47:26Z

I had my first lecture of the semester today, with Marci (oh fuck!) She was unusually nice to me this this morning and did not seem hostile with me at all luckily. Maybe it was me being less paraniod about her, last semester I was certain she was in tune with my thoughts and that scared me. People say its nice to have someone understand you, not like that though, its freaky. Anyway, I got through class this morning without a hitch and even answered a few questions and said one or two things to her. Never over doing it though, my usual style.
After class I had to whiz round like a mad person and get books from the library, which as usual I couldn't find and eat a sandwich and one thing and another. All in time to get back home to see a man. He was meant to show up at 2pm and didn't come until 3.30pm... typical...
He was bringing this platform round to measure my weight and I was not looking forward to being embaressed. I was weighed 3 years ago and was 15st 3lb then. Wait for this, I'm now 13st 12lb! :)

Concert Tickets

2007-01-28T21:42:37Z

My latest news today is that I have tickets to go to an indigo girls concert on the 20th of February. I don't tend to do all that many concerts because it is not often that someone comes round who I truely want to see. My last concert was P!nk and really I only went to that to keep my mom from moaning. The Indigo Girls are one rare occurance though and that is that I actually WANT to go and see them. If I put it off then it will probably be anoth 10 years before they come to Britain again and I don't want to wait that long. Another reason for not wanting to go to many concerts is that I always stuggle to find someone to go with and don't want to find an excuse to go with my mom, so I say I'm not intrested. NOT THIS TIME THOUGH! YEY!

Games Console

2007-01-27T22:17:03Z

For about three years now I have been wanting a new games console (don't known why because right now I spend my entire evenings on the internet.) I have been waiting for the ps3 to come out and its taking its sweet fucking time. It was meant to be out before Ieft school and now been at uni for 18 months and its still not been released. I nearly bought the Nintendo Wii last week only no where in the whole of fucking Wolverhampton had one in stock. Was that done on purpose to annoy me??? Anyway I also realised that the Wii is powered off a remote control and that got me a little concerned that I wouldn't be able to use it with my bad hands and reflexes so I gave up on the Wii. I am npw still waiting for the ps3 and they are now saying it will be out in March 2007, just got to exercise a bit more patients.

Oscars...

2007-01-26T23:21:21Z

I was wondering because I never pay much attention to the Oscar's but this year is a little different because, there are two very talented actresses....

Meryl Streep and Dame Helen Helen Mirren, who starred in two very good films

The queen and the devil wears prada....

There is only one best actress oscar, although I prefer Meryl, if the oscar goes to either one of the two actresses I think it was well earned. COME ON GIRLS. One of you has got to do it!

Want to write...

2007-01-21T15:28:03Z

hi it's bee a long time since i posted here again so sorry about that. the rest of the christmas break was not too bad sooo...
just to let everyone know that since i started seeing charlotte my brain has seemed to calm down quite a lot and i no longer have the compulsive urge to protect myself from the real world.
i have encountered another problem and that is that i appear to have lost my imagination all together and have been really wanting to write lately. i also had difficulty with writing factual pieces (i.e. my assignments) which i have eventually done but they wern't in my opinion, very good.
i want to write a story sooo bad but have writer's block and I haven't even started.

20-12-2006

2006-12-20T23:07:57Z

As I suspected, day five of the holidays was not as bad as yesterday. Only one thing happened to make me upset and it was quite easy for me to deal with as I was alone. What happened was mom and dad went out to visit friends and family as you do when "doing the rounds" before Christmas. What upset me was they didn't even ask me if I wanted to go with them and just left me in bed and unable to move for a couple of hours. I will look on the bright side though, at least I had privacy in which to have a break down while they were out.

19-12-2006

2006-12-19T23:00:29Z

Day four of the holidays and if they get much worse, not only will I be shocked, but I'm not going to want to continue with it. It got me thinking that the idea of the christmas break from uni was to give us a break, I am ow more wound up than I was for the whole of the time I was going since september. I don't even have Charlotte to talk to for three weeks (minus four days and counting.)

It started not long after I woke up and I was sending out text messages so people could have my new number and my dad got his and then started to complain when my phone wouldn't ring when he phoned me back. It was because he hadn't got the number right (which I knew because other people were texting me on it) and he was blaming ME! That then started my mom (not that she needs an excuse usually) being nasty and shouting at me. I can't do anything right me.

I had just had enough by then and I wasn't crying but I must have looked like I was going to (either that or she was finding another excuse to go on at me, which I wouldn't put past her) but she went mad at me then for looking upset. I HAVE A FUCKING RIGHT TO BE UPSET IF I WANT TO BE! We then went to the pub for christmas meal and I didn't want to go anyway after that.

When I was in the disabled toilets I was holding onto a grab rail that wasn't fixed to the wall properly. It hit me on the head and nearly knocked me out! My head is still killing me. I told my mom and she doesn't even care!

18-12-2006

2006-12-18T23:41:25Z

Day three of the holidays got off to a rocky start but got better as it went on. It started off with me being in bed messing round on the internet again, when I remembered I had an £80 voucher for the opticians that expired tomorrow. I intercom-med my mom downstairs and said "I need to go to Wolverhampton tomorrow because this voucher is going to run out," "You can't" she snarled back, "We are going out for a meal tomorrow, remember."

That made me mad because that stupid fool had moved my bag the previous Friday, so I went out without it and forgot the voucher, I would have got my glasses then! It didn't really matter to me anyway because I hate changing my glasses really. As I wear them all the time it feels like changing an aspect of my face. Why the fuck does she want to change me all the time??? She then went on to tell me that my last pair of glasses (my Gucci ones) were awful and a waste of money when she originally said she liked them. She also said I had wasted my money on buying a new mobile phone. It was my long overdue birthday money I spent on so it wasn't her money, it was my own and if I wanted to waste it was up to me not her and it wasn't a waste anyway because I have a new phone.

After that outburst I went downstairs on the computer and played the sims. Then back upstairs to put my numbers in my new phone and write my Christmas cards. After that I went and ate tea in front of the tv and challenged mom to a game of monopoly, where I whooped her arse!

17-12-2006

2006-12-17T22:58:27Z

Hi everyone, I have not been to bad today but had a scare all the same. I lay in bed until 1.00pm today and so there hadn't been any trouble up until then. When I got up, had a shower got dressed etc... I got down stairs and had timed it just right for my dad to get back in. When got he started ranting about his bus ride to the pub and his taxi ride back. My mom asked me what I wanted for dinner and I told her veggie burger and chips. I hadn't noticed but she hadn't asked my dad what he wanted, I presumed she had and I just hadn't heard her over the kettle boiling. Dad probably didn't want anything anyway due to the fact he had a belly full of beer and he doesn't eat much anyway.
I had asked my mom to bring me a dvd downstairs and when I asked her where it was, she said she had forgotten it and it was still upstairs. I told her not to worry and that I would go back upstairs and watch it. "Don't do that, I need to hoover your room." she replied. She fetched the dvd and by that time my dinner was done. She gave me mine and came back in the living room eating a sandwich. Dad then pipes up, "Is my dinner not done yet?" My mom looked shocked and shouted at him, "WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT, YOU NEVER HAVE ANYTHING!" I understand all too well my dad's response, "No, it's ok I'll wait til tea time, don't look at me like that or do and finish with me, but either way lets be honest." He then goes upstairs to bed, probably the only escape route he can think of, he needs to master the art that I have as having Jakki as my comfort zone.
They were arguing right above my head and usually that would have cracked me up, but I have said to Charlotte that I have had enough of my mom now and that includes getting involved in arguments that involve her. I sometimes think "Why the fuck don't they split up and send me away to be cared for?" I can also answer that, my mom has this obsession with having to pull mine and my dads strings. We are too scared of her to do anything ourselves and shes gets a buzz from upsetting us, the same way as I do from Jakki. Jakki doesn't care about other people though only me, she won't hurt anyone else. Mom doesn't know about Jakki but has thought I'm mad for similar things. She seems more mad than me.
I spent the rest of the day dancing between the TV and computer, keeping myself occupied but I been off for two days and I'm already getting tension. Lets keep count... That's 1.

16-12-2006

2006-12-16T23:17:19Z

I have had, what you may think, to be quite an uneventful day today. My day has consisted of messing round on myspace and posting on the Meryl Streep forum. I wondor now how last Christmas, I had such a huge amount of time to spend on the Julie forum as I was on the Meryl one then too. Sunni helped me get a good idea for writing a new story. In case I forget think Ella, Julie and Carol... To be honest, I do miss the friends I made on that forum but I know if I went back, it wouldn't be the same. So I ain't going back, Charlotte helped me with that without knowing she did and also without knowing she helped me to "get off the Marci drug" too. I no longer go to her office for no reason and I even skipped her last two classes! She's just like a normal tutor now.

Jakki gave me advice though this morning and that was to pack in seeing Charlotte after Christmas. When I asked her why she said, "You have developed an attachment withe her because she has shown you a modicum of kindness. This makes her dangerous because you have to say goodbye to her at some point and its better for you if you do it on your terms." I figure Jakki has a point but, I said if I felt I needed her still, I would continue after Christmas but if I felt ok I would concider stopping it for a while as various people percieve me as strange for doing it.

Finished, yey!

2006-12-15T20:52:31Z

I finished uni today and yey! got all my work in too. Well now I can spend the holidays getting a well earned block of sleep (how sad). I'm not looking forward to the stress and atmosphere that Christmas creates in this house either. I'm listening to the mixed CD that Renée did for me, makes me feel good that someone likes me at least. I'm going to make a CD for some of my friends in a bit.

I saw Charlotte again today and she seemed like her usual self, bet she still thinks "God what a weirdo!" though. Regarding her gift, I kind of took some advice I had been given, which was to tell her that buying the gift for her meant a lot to me. That I did, but indirectly. I worked it into our conversation that I had got a gift for "someone" etc... Then when she went to get the diary, I left it on one of her chairs.

Can't wait to finish...

2006-12-13T22:34:10Z

Hi, I know its been over a month since I have posted here and I have apologies prepared... dial the 800 number for them and say you wish to speak to Caroline. You should end up with "I'm sorry but she's not here...etc." There's your apology anyways. Just letting you know I am looking forward to breaking up from university on Friday. Not because of the holiday season but because I want a break from all the fucking work I been doing, its hell and I wish the ground would open and swallow me... chair and all.

Christmas does nothing but stress me out and I know Charlotte would want to know about that and I ain't telling her. Good news btw I am still seeing her for a while. My mom is the the reason I get so stressed (surprise) on christmas because she acts just like a robot and treats house more so like an army barracks than usual. Therefore it passes on to me and I get stressed out an whats more on christmas its not so easy for me to go hide in my room when she flies off the handle :(.

Hope I won't be missing Charlotte to much over the three weeks we are off because I like the idea of giving it a go without her help for a bit. Sure they'll be fresh meat hanging round the house for my mom to get her teeth into (I think Charlotte is a little worried about this fact, in light of what I told her last week) but it has to be done. Call me pathetic I don't care but I'm planning to buy a christmas present for Charlotte although I won't be able to give it directly to her. I have a plan to leave it in her room when she goes to find the diary on Friday. The reason I am worried about giving it to her is that she is one to obey her rules and I bet there's one about accepting gifts from clients and I don't want it thrown back in my face.

Jakki

2006-11-10T20:33:49Z

I think this is going to take some time but I am going to do it while I am in such a frame of mind. I will first give you the good news and that is, although I said in my last entry that I feared that today would be my last meeting with Charlotte, when I brought it up today her response was, "We have only just scratched the surface, you're going no where!" I have got to wait two weeks instead of one for my next appointment because she not there next week. That was funny because when she told me that she said she was sorry and I told her not to worry. Then she held my shoulders and said, "No, I'm REALLY sorry," and looked worried. I actually find this very strange that she cares so much about how I'm feeling. Why? Its her job, nothing more.
I will stop beating about the bush and get onto what we talked about today as thats why I'm here. She first asked me how I was and I replyed that I was fine and then said, "I don't know why I said that because I'm not fine at all." She asked to elabourate, I started by telling her about how wound up I was at the beginning of the week I was feeling extremely guilty for no apparent reason and even looking round corners before I went round them in case someone would come and "get me." I had no reason as to why I felt so guilty and afraid of my own shadow but said that this was a common occurance. If something was going to happen this week I would not have been very suprised at it then. I knew it was coming.
By Wednesday, I was still feeling this way and when I got home from university I went on the internet as usual. That was when I recieved an Instant message from someone asking a lot of questions about when I was going to tell her the "truth" about various issues. I said that I tried to get away with saying as little as possible however, inspite of what she had tolld me, I had let something out before I was ready to. The following day, I had e mailed Naomi asking her to help shut this person up for me while I sorted myself out again. Unfortunately, I had lost it by this time and started gabbing on to people about Jakki again.

Who is Jakki?
Jakki is my friend, my comfort zone. The only one whom I allow to see my feelings and who sees me cry. She has a soft and quiet voice and is extremely cuddly and when I was once talking about her to Charlotte, I compared her cuddles with blankets. She is really the only one I trust with absolutely anything to do with me. She comes from Kansas and we have known each other since I was 17 and in sixth form at school. She has long blonde hair, deep brown eyes and loves playing the guitar. Oh something else, she is not real. Quick note to a lot of my friends: If you think Marci does not exist, she does! It's Jakki who doesn't.

Introduction

2006-11-07T22:20:47Z

Hi, I made this livejournal just for me because I love to write. Writing is just a handy way for me to just let things go, also I am not sure whether I will have Charlotte after this week so maybe I will need a place to vent. It does help me to let my feelings out even though I can't really do it in a big way, like through crying anymore.

I don't know where my mannors went because I havn't even introduced myself yet. I'm Caroline, I come from Britain and am 20. You may know me already and if you do, please don't judge me on the fact that I sometimes get the most simple things muddled up sometimes. I really don't mean any harm and just want to be friends. My problem is that I lose it too easily and want to pull out too quickly.

The best thing that I can tell you to do if that happens is go with me and wait until I come back to you. If I am not allowed by you to do things on my own terms I will get too scared and may end up hating you. As I have mentioned someone called Charlotte, I will explain who she is. Charlotte is a councelor at my university and, no matter what context people meant it in, I want to thank you for giving me the advice to talk to someone.

I think its likely that I won't be seeing her after this week because my sessions finish on Friday. I bet I've freaked her outso much that she won't offer me anymore goddanmit, bet shes never spoken to any people like me before. Its a shame because I like talking to her because she doesn't doesn't dominate the conversation and just lets me lead. I will not write down what I talk to her about...yet. Maybe one day.